Dirt In Her Blood

"God, why her? Tell me that. Why not a gently reared girl, untouched until her wedding night? Why not a God-fearing widow? Lord, send me a plain woman, kind and enduring, someone who would work at my side in the fields, plowing, planting, and harvesting! Someone who'll get dirt beneath her fingernails but doesn't have it already in her blood!" excerpt from "Redeeming Love"

Ever feel like that? God give me ANYTHING else than the cards You've dealt me. God, I wanted something or someone else. And then there's always the added caveat- if it's Your will lol. That line always cracked me up. Like we're asking for something we know is wrong, but we want to be obedient too, so we go halvesies on it.

Part of the praying through and not praying away from the last 4 weeks has been a lot of this... desperately wanting a different set of cards dealt to me, wanting something else that was never meant for me. And most of all, ignoring the realities of who, what and where God has called me to. There is/was a loooooot of ignoring happening in my life. I want to pray away my background, relationships, friendship dramas, and pretty much any tough situations. Instead of dealing with the reality of what my mom really thinks of me, everything is just fine.

Instead... God has "wonderfully" challenged me with praying through. Sitting in the tension and waiting for God to work on my heart is so.not.fun. There really is nothing I can do... except to be still and know that He is God. He's got it covered. His timing is never late. He will never fail. Ever. He's got this.

Facing head on that there is dirt in my blood and often, it's messy and not something any man wants to even hear about, let alone deal with. That's my reality... that's my life. It's a blessing in disguise because I think that I've grown and learned a lot from my past. But it's still not something that will just go away.

I don't have a better answer than just chilling with God until it all works out. I feel like a giant ball of mess pretty much all the time and the ground is falling out from underneath me. At this point, I have a minute by minute dependance on Him, because what else is a girl suppose to do?

"Oh my God
He will not delay
my refuge and strength always.
I will not fear
His promise is true
my God will come through always
always"
~Kristian Stanfill

Praying through

Most of my blog posts occur AFTER I've worked it out. After I've already been mopey, eaten a pound and a half of chocolate, cried buckets and buckets of tears and been totally whiney... THAT's when you get a blog post. Well, I don't have an answer this time, but felt like it deserved a post.

NCC has been going through a 21 day prayer challenge that ended on Tuesday, might I add, it ended EPICLY with a night of prayer/praise at Barracks Row.

I started this 21 day prayer challenge with a nice LIST of things I wanted to pray about. Well, let's just say that God had something totally different planned starting from the very first DAY we started the challenge. And it just snowballed from there.

Over the last 21 days, I realized what a control freak I was/am. And though, I'm not even close to the control freak/planner/left brainer as I was maybe a year ago (CozyGirl has really done a number on me), I realized that I'm not reeeeeeally letting God take control of my life. It just looks like I am from the outside. I realized that I don't really allow others into my life either (not even Elastigirl or ChickenPotPie), for fear of them seeing me lose control. Trying to keep it all together has... for a lack of better words, made me undone .

My dearest friends- I have not stewarded you well and for that I am sorry. I have not shared what I should've shared and have not lived life with you to the extent that I should've. I have been selfish in wanting for things to always be delightful in our friendships and for that I am sorry. I've allowed for moments of vulnerability, but never wanting to be a burden or too "heavy", I have tried to keep things light. For those I consider in my inner circle, I have done a terrible disservice to our friendship. I've been afraid to let you in, for fear of losing you forever.

I've noticed that anytime someone asks me a question that hits too close to home (I'm pretty sure ChickenPotPie has a unique spiritual gift in this), I've tried to control the situation in someway, shape or form. The last 21 days has me praying through situations and friendships instead of praying away. It. Is. HARD. I feel like the ground underneath me has never felt so shakey. I have never been so dependent on the grace, mercy and sovereignty of God as I have in the last 21 days.

I'm learning to let go. I'm learning how to be a better friend. I'm learning to share the good, the bad and the ugly with friends and not just the entertaining stories or the stories that have a good outcome. I'm learning that even if I don't have the answer, I need to pray through. Letting go is hard. Letting my friends go is even harder. Here's to what feels like a blind leap of faith into.... ?

Turn the music up LOUDLY!

Like many others, I have been pondering some 2012 goals over the last few days. I have found over the years, that I really like making lists of goals for the year. It really makes the year more interesting and I'm much more likely to go after them instead of consistently saying, "one day...".

Over the last 2 years, I've tried to be really intentional about leading the arts community here at NCC. I've poured every ounce of free time I have thinking about them, their craft and their needs. I've prayed for each artist non-stop and have worked at creating different outlets/opportunities for the artists at NCC.

Going into 2012, I felt myself losing steam. Exhausted from the efforts, but still passionate about the need for an arts community here in DC. Reflecting back, I've realized that along the way, I've neglected my own creative spirit and fell for the lie that every arts manager tells themselves, "I'm focusing on others right now." In the back of my mind, I think I noticed moments of it over the last 2 years. There would be times where I just felt like I gave into my left brain too much. Excuses supported my fear of putting myself out there creatively and I bought into the restless pattern of day to day life.

As I think about next steps for the artists here in DC, I am reminded that I can't lead them where I haven't been before. I'm convicted as I teach, mentor and try to lead the artists to be bold, to fight resistance and to leave a legacy behind, that I haven't done any of those things in the last two years. Over the last six months, I'm grateful for the ones who have asked me about MY prayer requests and MY next creative goal which caused me to stop, take a breath, and realized that I haven't even considered myself as an artist in over two years. How can I expect to be a leader if I wasn't acting like one? More importantly, how could I expect to be taken seriously as an artist, if I didn't consider myself to be one in the first place?

Over the next 12 months, I am going to focus on my singing. I'd imagine it will be eons off before I audition again. But in 2012, my goals include: "turn the music up LOUDLY and learn those harmony parts!", "sing weekly", "no more humming allowed!", along with "master a piano/voice piece".

Post-graduation, I'm going to do something with my music degree. It's time to step up to the plate and become the creative person I know I'm called to be.

All In, Greece, Bucket Lists, and Friends

I generally stay away from these posts... I've only done ONE cliche post (last year at Thanksgiving), but 2011 was too big of a year not to sit down and document it in some way shape or form. Soooo, you lovely readers get to reminisce with me :o) (in no particular order)

2011 was full of ups, downs, laughs, tears, new friends, broken hearts, and learning curves. I kicked and screamed as I faced my insecurities and issues of self worth (my poor friends). As I realized that it was for the better to face these issues, I started to realize that I don't need everyone and their mom to love me, be friends with me and be my best friend.

I started mentally building up my confidence in a way where I have EMBRACED my introvert self and am okay with being who I am... and not who I think I should be (an extrovert... so everyone will love me).

Opinions of MAN definitely still affect me, however, it no longer paralyzes me the way it use to. Yay! progress!

A year ago, I was pretty set on being single for the rest of my life and never having my own family. Thanks to our "All In" series at the beginning of the year and to awesome friends like Twitless and T-Bone, I realized that I DO actually want my own family and I DO want to one day be married... and more importantly, that someone DOES want to marry me, of all people! Who would've ever thunk?

I went to Greece and didn't just learn about the facts, realities and truths of trafficking, but finally embraced what I've blatantly ignored for the last 25 years of my life. God broke my heart in a good way and this is just the beginning of a long journey for me.

Along with Greece, came a hard and heavy realization that I'm not anywhere near being emotionally healed from my past. 9 months is not enough and I have accepted that I'm in for a looooooooong journey ahead of me. Yay! No more denial!

2011 wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention the countless movies I watched to try and catch up with the rest of the world. Braveheart and the Bourne Trilogy... to name a few. We never did get around to watching Bicentennial Man though...

Items crossed off my bucket list this year: Visited Rome and Greece, awesome tour of the Capitol Dome, splashed in puddles, played with leaves, took a Supreme Court Tour, swung on a swing set- and even got my fair share of bruises, underdogs and bumps along the way, and attended the Helen Hayes.

I am on staff at NCC- FULL TIME!!! This is a huge answer to prayer and I looooove our worship teams and everyone I work with on staff :)

We finished a LIVE album- The God Anthology. This was a huge undertaking and one of our biggest accomplishments as a worship team. I'm so proud of everyone who played in it and was involved in the process of making it. This was and still is a huge win for 2011.

Last, but most certainly not least- 2011 was a year of blessings in the form of amazing friendships. Reags, Heather (T-Bone), B, Ash, J, Bananies and Nich- you have been my pillars of strength, my shoulders to cry on and whine on. We've certainly laughed until our stomachs have hurt and made GREAT memories this year. I absolutely can't wait to experience 2012 with you wonderful people. My heart has never been more full or happy. It's an honor to be your friend.

Purple, Spumoni Ices and Coke

Once upon a time, I thought that my very best friends were the ones who knew "everything" about me. By "everything" I mean, my favorite color, favorite Italian ice, favorite song (of the year, month, week and moment!) and favorite soda. I thought that by knowing who my favorite *NSYNC member was (keep your jokes to yourselves folks!)... we were meant to be friends for LIFE!!!

Looking back, I was an idiot. I mean, I know when you're 12, it's okay to think you know what life is all about and then be totally wrong. I know that that's what the teen years were all about. But isn't that funny? As one grows older, we eventually get over ourselves. It's easy to look back, blink and wonder- where did time go? At what point did you start seeking for character and not class in your friends?

In fact, I've recently made a new friend in Idaho via the interwebs (through a friend in DC- I promise it's ok) and she is lovely! We have the most random conversations, I don't have a clue what her favorite color is, if she even likes italian ice, and no idea if she may defriend me after she reads that I use to love *NSYNC. But I do know that she loves life, loves to giggle, and more importantly, is a passionate woman of Christ. I do know ,that in the very little time I've gotten to know her, it's easy to pray for her, want amazing things for her and be myself when I'm chatting with her. Part of that is because- well that's just who she is. She loves everyone and she makes them feel loved in the most genuine way. Another part of that is, because I'm now looking for character in my life. I'm looking for friends who have beauty and strength in their day to day lives and who push me to be more of myself every day (whatever being me looks like). I hope that by BECOMING someone who's genuine, honest and loving- that I attract friends who are the same. There are people in your life who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back. I hope to be someone of the latter... and I'm so thankful for those who already do so in my life.

25 years of my life down and hopefully a katrillion more to come, I've learned to become a better friend and invest in the ones that matter most to me. I've learned that whether or not you know my favorite color, it's the shared experiences and the honest moments that make a friendship. I've learned to focus on what I have NOW, be thankful for what I have NOW, praise God for the blessings (friends) He's given me NOW instead of constantly asking for more, desiring for what I don't have, and wishing for things that may or may not come in the future.

I've learned to share my story- ALL of it. Not to everyone and not all the time, but to the ones that need to know. No more "Oh gosh- what did I do?" moments after I've told my story. It is what it is. What's happened to me in the past doesn't dictate my future. I don't need to hide behind the friendships of "what's your favorite color?" anymore.

Jumping In Puddles

So it's been on my my to do list to jump in a puddle for some time now. It's all part of my Operation Reclaim Childhood scheme. To do things that I didn't get to do when I was a child.

Wednesday night, was Zoolights day! The zoo opens up at night and is decorated with Christmas lights... there's supposedly a ice skating rink and a fun train that circles the lions and tigers etc. This has been on my bucket list for 3 years now.

Long story short, the ice skating rink was lame (seriously) and the train ride was meant for kids (that didn't stop us though!). The tigers and lions were already beyond passed out and were no where to be found... aka- it was a bust. whomp whomp.

I have gracious friends however, and they made the best of the night. We laughed, mocked, giggled and danced the night away :)

Somewhere inbetween taking photo #462 (NO idea why someone would want to take so many photos... it's not like we'll never see each other again ;o) ) and getting our glow sticks from Pepco, we found a puddle. Deciding to be proactive about Operation Reclaim Childhood, I was asked to jump in it. I never imagined how nervous I would be about jumping in a puddle!!! Ash lovingly demonstrated for me... it looked completely painless. I mean, it's jumping in a puddle! Totally harmless, right? I half expected for my mom to jump out of the bushes to yell at me. I could hear all the reasons why I shouldn't jump in the puddle and all the repercussions that would happen if I did jump in the puddle. I was frozen in place! It's just a puddle!!!

Oh man. Everything in me wanted to turn around and keep looking for animals to look at. I could literally feel my mom's disapproval. But, I also have very stubborn friends who don't let me give up and pass up on fun when the opportunity presents itself. I took a few running starts with every intention of jumping in, but chickened out at the last second. Finally, my friend jumps together with me. And in that moment, I experienced something so freeing. In case you were wondering, my mom did NOT pop out of the bushes to yell at me. There were no repercussions... at all. I even jumped in a few more times... each one as freeing as the one before it.

As all four of us jumped in to the puddle together, I am reminded of what an incredible year 2011 was. It has literally been packed with "firsts". I crossed a lot of things off of my bucket/movie lists. I loved like I never loved before and even better- for the first time ever, I believed that I could BE loved. I've been surrounded by incredible friends who have pushed me, stood by me, and loved me... better than I know how to love myself. They hold my hands, take a running start, and jump into the puddle with me, no questions asked.

My life is far from normal... but I'm very blessed and I am consistently reminded of how lucky I am.

Empire State Building

I am petrified of heights.

When I was learning how to swim, we had to each jump off a diving board to pass. Did I mention how petrified of heights I am? So my dad decided to be supportive and had me practice at my Aunt Wendy's pool. He set up a ladder and anchored it for me to jump off of and into the pool. The only way down the ladder, was to jump. I stood on that ladder for FOUR hours before I jumped.

When I was in the 9, my relatives convinced me to go para-sailing. They said it would cure me of my fear. I was so scared I peed my pants while I was in the air.

When I was 10, my relatives said for me to try hot air ballooning. They said it would cure me of my fear. It didn't. I basically crouched down and missed the entire ride.

When I was in the 8th grade, I rode "Big Bad Wolf" at Busch Gardens because I didn't want my friends to think I was a scaredy cat. O...M...G. FRIGHTENING experience! I screamed the entire way- and not in a "I'm having so much fun" kinda way!

Needless to say, I was not so thrilled about taking the elevator to the 86th floor of the Empire State Building this past weekend. I had a good idea of NYC looked like from the ground. BUT, I was excited about sharing a life experience with my awesomesauce friends. So up I go. Can I just say for the record that I LOVE my friends?! They let me be a scaredy cat and stand behind them as they are taking in the view. But they also grabbed me by the hand and made me stand right up to the fence while surrounding me. They didn't leave me hanging, but they also didn't let me succumb to my fears.

The view was STUNNING. It was just so breath-taking and not the same from five feet back. Trust me when I say that my adrenaline was pumping, knees were wobbling and hands were shaking the entire time! But, if my friends hadn't made me look closer, I would've missed out on a life experience. I simply drank in the sight. Up on the 86th floor, life was so peaceful, you almost forget about how chaotic life really is in NYC.

I'm so grateful for friends who make me face my fears and stand with me while I do it. They are constant in their love and I couldn't have asked for better people to share life with. Am I still scared of heights? Absolutely. But I wouldn't have traded that experience or who I experienced it with, for anything.

Photo from a google search. Not from one of our cameras.