Live. Love. Laugh.

Dirt In Her Blood

2012-02-04T14:53:00.001-05:00

"God, why her? Tell me that. Why not a gently reared girl, untouched until her wedding night? Why not a God-fearing widow? Lord, send me a plain woman, kind and enduring, someone who would work at my side in the fields, plowing, planting, and harvesting! Someone who'll get dirt beneath her fingernails but doesn't have it already in her blood!" excerpt from "Redeeming Love"

Ever feel like that? God give me ANYTHING else than the cards You've dealt me. God, I wanted something or someone else. And then there's always the added caveat- if it's Your will lol. That line always cracked me up. Like we're asking for something we know is wrong, but we want to be obedient too, so we go halvesies on it.

Part of the praying through and not praying away from the last 4 weeks has been a lot of this... desperately wanting a different set of cards dealt to me, wanting something else that was never meant for me. And most of all, ignoring the realities of who, what and where God has called me to. There is/was a loooooot of ignoring happening in my life. I want to pray away my background, relationships, friendship dramas, and pretty much any tough situations. Instead of dealing with the reality of what my mom really thinks of me, everything is just fine.

Instead... God has "wonderfully" challenged me with praying through. Sitting in the tension and waiting for God to work on my heart is so.not.fun. There really is nothing I can do... except to be still and know that He is God. He's got it covered. His timing is never late. He will never fail. Ever. He's got this.

Facing head on that there is dirt in my blood and often, it's messy and not something any man wants to even hear about, let alone deal with. That's my reality... that's my life. It's a blessing in disguise because I think that I've grown and learned a lot from my past. But it's still not something that will just go away.

I don't have a better answer than just chilling with God until it all works out. I feel like a giant ball of mess pretty much all the time and the ground is falling out from underneath me. At this point, I have a minute by minute dependance on Him, because what else is a girl suppose to do?

"Oh my God
He will not delay
my refuge and strength always.
I will not fear
His promise is true
my God will come through always
always"
~Kristian Stanfill

Praying through

2012-02-01T21:06:00.002-05:00

Most of my blog posts occur AFTER I've worked it out. After I've already been mopey, eaten a pound and a half of chocolate, cried buckets and buckets of tears and been totally whiney... THAT's when you get a blog post. Well, I don't have an answer this time, but felt like it deserved a post.

NCC has been going through a 21 day prayer challenge that ended on Tuesday, might I add, it ended EPICLY with a night of prayer/praise at Barracks Row.

I started this 21 day prayer challenge with a nice LIST of things I wanted to pray about. Well, let's just say that God had something totally different planned starting from the very first DAY we started the challenge. And it just snowballed from there.

Over the last 21 days, I realized what a control freak I was/am. And though, I'm not even close to the control freak/planner/left brainer as I was maybe a year ago (CozyGirl has really done a number on me), I realized that I'm not reeeeeeally letting God take control of my life. It just looks like I am from the outside. I realized that I don't really allow others into my life either (not even Elastigirl or ChickenPotPie), for fear of them seeing me lose control. Trying to keep it all together has... for a lack of better words, made me undone .

My dearest friends- I have not stewarded you well and for that I am sorry. I have not shared what I should've shared and have not lived life with you to the extent that I should've. I have been selfish in wanting for things to always be delightful in our friendships and for that I am sorry. I've allowed for moments of vulnerability, but never wanting to be a burden or too "heavy", I have tried to keep things light. For those I consider in my inner circle, I have done a terrible disservice to our friendship. I've been afraid to let you in, for fear of losing you forever.

I've noticed that anytime someone asks me a question that hits too close to home (I'm pretty sure ChickenPotPie has a unique spiritual gift in this), I've tried to control the situation in someway, shape or form. The last 21 days has me praying through situations and friendships instead of praying away. It. Is. HARD. I feel like the ground underneath me has never felt so shakey. I have never been so dependent on the grace, mercy and sovereignty of God as I have in the last 21 days.

I'm learning to let go. I'm learning how to be a better friend. I'm learning to share the good, the bad and the ugly with friends and not just the entertaining stories or the stories that have a good outcome. I'm learning that even if I don't have the answer, I need to pray through. Letting go is hard. Letting my friends go is even harder. Here's to what feels like a blind leap of faith into.... ?

Turn the music up LOUDLY!

2012-01-06T19:04:00.001-05:00

Like many others, I have been pondering some 2012 goals over the last few days. I have found over the years, that I really like making lists of goals for the year. It really makes the year more interesting and I'm much more likely to go after them instead of consistently saying, "one day...".

Over the last 2 years, I've tried to be really intentional about leading the arts community here at NCC. I've poured every ounce of free time I have thinking about them, their craft and their needs. I've prayed for each artist non-stop and have worked at creating different outlets/opportunities for the artists at NCC.

Going into 2012, I felt myself losing steam. Exhausted from the efforts, but still passionate about the need for an arts community here in DC. Reflecting back, I've realized that along the way, I've neglected my own creative spirit and fell for the lie that every arts manager tells themselves, "I'm focusing on others right now." In the back of my mind, I think I noticed moments of it over the last 2 years. There would be times where I just felt like I gave into my left brain too much. Excuses supported my fear of putting myself out there creatively and I bought into the restless pattern of day to day life.

As I think about next steps for the artists here in DC, I am reminded that I can't lead them where I haven't been before. I'm convicted as I teach, mentor and try to lead the artists to be bold, to fight resistance and to leave a legacy behind, that I haven't done any of those things in the last two years. Over the last six months, I'm grateful for the ones who have asked me about MY prayer requests and MY next creative goal which caused me to stop, take a breath, and realized that I haven't even considered myself as an artist in over two years. How can I expect to be a leader if I wasn't acting like one? More importantly, how could I expect to be taken seriously as an artist, if I didn't consider myself to be one in the first place?

Over the next 12 months, I am going to focus on my singing. I'd imagine it will be eons off before I audition again. But in 2012, my goals include: "turn the music up LOUDLY and learn those harmony parts!", "sing weekly", "no more humming allowed!", along with "master a piano/voice piece".

Post-graduation, I'm going to do something with my music degree. It's time to step up to the plate and become the creative person I know I'm called to be.

All In, Greece, Bucket Lists, and Friends

2011-12-31T00:41:00.000-05:00

I generally stay away from these posts... I've only done ONE cliche post (last year at Thanksgiving), but 2011 was too big of a year not to sit down and document it in some way shape or form. Soooo, you lovely readers get to reminisce with me :o) (in no particular order)

2011 was full of ups, downs, laughs, tears, new friends, broken hearts, and learning curves. I kicked and screamed as I faced my insecurities and issues of self worth (my poor friends). As I realized that it was for the better to face these issues, I started to realize that I don't need everyone and their mom to love me, be friends with me and be my best friend.

I started mentally building up my confidence in a way where I have EMBRACED my introvert self and am okay with being who I am... and not who I think I should be (an extrovert... so everyone will love me).

Opinions of MAN definitely still affect me, however, it no longer paralyzes me the way it use to. Yay! progress!

A year ago, I was pretty set on being single for the rest of my life and never having my own family. Thanks to our "All In" series at the beginning of the year and to awesome friends like Twitless and T-Bone, I realized that I DO actually want my own family and I DO want to one day be married... and more importantly, that someone DOES want to marry me, of all people! Who would've ever thunk?

I went to Greece and didn't just learn about the facts, realities and truths of trafficking, but finally embraced what I've blatantly ignored for the last 25 years of my life. God broke my heart in a good way and this is just the beginning of a long journey for me.

Along with Greece, came a hard and heavy realization that I'm not anywhere near being emotionally healed from my past. 9 months is not enough and I have accepted that I'm in for a looooooooong journey ahead of me. Yay! No more denial!

2011 wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention the countless movies I watched to try and catch up with the rest of the world. Braveheart and the Bourne Trilogy... to name a few. We never did get around to watching Bicentennial Man though...

Items crossed off my bucket list this year: Visited Rome and Greece, awesome tour of the Capitol Dome, splashed in puddles, played with leaves, took a Supreme Court Tour, swung on a swing set- and even got my fair share of bruises, underdogs and bumps along the way, and attended the Helen Hayes.

I am on staff at NCC- FULL TIME!!! This is a huge answer to prayer and I looooove our worship teams and everyone I work with on staff :)

We finished a LIVE album- The God Anthology. This was a huge undertaking and one of our biggest accomplishments as a worship team. I'm so proud of everyone who played in it and was involved in the process of making it. This was and still is a huge win for 2011.

Last, but most certainly not least- 2011 was a year of blessings in the form of amazing friendships. Reags, Heather (T-Bone), B, Ash, J, Bananies and Nich- you have been my pillars of strength, my shoulders to cry on and whine on. We've certainly laughed until our stomachs have hurt and made GREAT memories this year. I absolutely can't wait to experience 2012 with you wonderful people. My heart has never been more full or happy. It's an honor to be your friend.

Purple, Spumoni Ices and Coke

2011-12-28T22:57:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, I thought that my very best friends were the ones who knew "everything" about me. By "everything" I mean, my favorite color, favorite Italian ice, favorite song (of the year, month, week and moment!) and favorite soda. I thought that by knowing who my favorite *NSYNC member was (keep your jokes to yourselves folks!)... we were meant to be friends for LIFE!!!

Looking back, I was an idiot. I mean, I know when you're 12, it's okay to think you know what life is all about and then be totally wrong. I know that that's what the teen years were all about. But isn't that funny? As one grows older, we eventually get over ourselves. It's easy to look back, blink and wonder- where did time go? At what point did you start seeking for character and not class in your friends?

In fact, I've recently made a new friend in Idaho via the interwebs (through a friend in DC- I promise it's ok) and she is lovely! We have the most random conversations, I don't have a clue what her favorite color is, if she even likes italian ice, and no idea if she may defriend me after she reads that I use to love *NSYNC. But I do know that she loves life, loves to giggle, and more importantly, is a passionate woman of Christ. I do know ,that in the very little time I've gotten to know her, it's easy to pray for her, want amazing things for her and be myself when I'm chatting with her. Part of that is because- well that's just who she is. She loves everyone and she makes them feel loved in the most genuine way. Another part of that is, because I'm now looking for character in my life. I'm looking for friends who have beauty and strength in their day to day lives and who push me to be more of myself every day (whatever being me looks like). I hope that by BECOMING someone who's genuine, honest and loving- that I attract friends who are the same. There are people in your life who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back. I hope to be someone of the latter... and I'm so thankful for those who already do so in my life.

25 years of my life down and hopefully a katrillion more to come, I've learned to become a better friend and invest in the ones that matter most to me. I've learned that whether or not you know my favorite color, it's the shared experiences and the honest moments that make a friendship. I've learned to focus on what I have NOW, be thankful for what I have NOW, praise God for the blessings (friends) He's given me NOW instead of constantly asking for more, desiring for what I don't have, and wishing for things that may or may not come in the future.

I've learned to share my story- ALL of it. Not to everyone and not all the time, but to the ones that need to know. No more "Oh gosh- what did I do?" moments after I've told my story. It is what it is. What's happened to me in the past doesn't dictate my future. I don't need to hide behind the friendships of "what's your favorite color?" anymore.

Jumping In Puddles

2011-12-23T13:53:00.001-05:00

So it's been on my my to do list to jump in a puddle for some time now. It's all part of my Operation Reclaim Childhood scheme. To do things that I didn't get to do when I was a child.

Wednesday night, was Zoolights day! The zoo opens up at night and is decorated with Christmas lights... there's supposedly a ice skating rink and a fun train that circles the lions and tigers etc. This has been on my bucket list for 3 years now.

Long story short, the ice skating rink was lame (seriously) and the train ride was meant for kids (that didn't stop us though!). The tigers and lions were already beyond passed out and were no where to be found... aka- it was a bust. whomp whomp.

I have gracious friends however, and they made the best of the night. We laughed, mocked, giggled and danced the night away :)

Somewhere inbetween taking photo #462 (NO idea why someone would want to take so many photos... it's not like we'll never see each other again ;o) ) and getting our glow sticks from Pepco, we found a puddle. Deciding to be proactive about Operation Reclaim Childhood, I was asked to jump in it. I never imagined how nervous I would be about jumping in a puddle!!! Ash lovingly demonstrated for me... it looked completely painless. I mean, it's jumping in a puddle! Totally harmless, right? I half expected for my mom to jump out of the bushes to yell at me. I could hear all the reasons why I shouldn't jump in the puddle and all the repercussions that would happen if I did jump in the puddle. I was frozen in place! It's just a puddle!!!

Oh man. Everything in me wanted to turn around and keep looking for animals to look at. I could literally feel my mom's disapproval. But, I also have very stubborn friends who don't let me give up and pass up on fun when the opportunity presents itself. I took a few running starts with every intention of jumping in, but chickened out at the last second. Finally, my friend jumps together with me. And in that moment, I experienced something so freeing. In case you were wondering, my mom did NOT pop out of the bushes to yell at me. There were no repercussions... at all. I even jumped in a few more times... each one as freeing as the one before it.

As all four of us jumped in to the puddle together, I am reminded of what an incredible year 2011 was. It has literally been packed with "firsts". I crossed a lot of things off of my bucket/movie lists. I loved like I never loved before and even better- for the first time ever, I believed that I could BE loved. I've been surrounded by incredible friends who have pushed me, stood by me, and loved me... better than I know how to love myself. They hold my hands, take a running start, and jump into the puddle with me, no questions asked.

My life is far from normal... but I'm very blessed and I am consistently reminded of how lucky I am.

Empire State Building

2011-10-17T18:03:00.000-04:00

I am petrified of heights.

When I was learning how to swim, we had to each jump off a diving board to pass. Did I mention how petrified of heights I am? So my dad decided to be supportive and had me practice at my Aunt Wendy's pool. He set up a ladder and anchored it for me to jump off of and into the pool. The only way down the ladder, was to jump. I stood on that ladder for FOUR hours before I jumped.

When I was in the 9, my relatives convinced me to go para-sailing. They said it would cure me of my fear. I was so scared I peed my pants while I was in the air.

When I was 10, my relatives said for me to try hot air ballooning. They said it would cure me of my fear. It didn't. I basically crouched down and missed the entire ride.

When I was in the 8th grade, I rode "Big Bad Wolf" at Busch Gardens because I didn't want my friends to think I was a scaredy cat. O...M...G. FRIGHTENING experience! I screamed the entire way- and not in a "I'm having so much fun" kinda way!

Needless to say, I was not so thrilled about taking the elevator to the 86th floor of the Empire State Building this past weekend. I had a good idea of NYC looked like from the ground. BUT, I was excited about sharing a life experience with my awesomesauce friends. So up I go. Can I just say for the record that I LOVE my friends?! They let me be a scaredy cat and stand behind them as they are taking in the view. But they also grabbed me by the hand and made me stand right up to the fence while surrounding me. They didn't leave me hanging, but they also didn't let me succumb to my fears.

The view was STUNNING. It was just so breath-taking and not the same from five feet back. Trust me when I say that my adrenaline was pumping, knees were wobbling and hands were shaking the entire time! But, if my friends hadn't made me look closer, I would've missed out on a life experience. I simply drank in the sight. Up on the 86th floor, life was so peaceful, you almost forget about how chaotic life really is in NYC.

I'm so grateful for friends who make me face my fears and stand with me while I do it. They are constant in their love and I couldn't have asked for better people to share life with. Am I still scared of heights? Absolutely. But I wouldn't have traded that experience or who I experienced it with, for anything.

Photo from a google search. Not from one of our cameras.

Growing Pains

2011-10-13T22:44:00.000-04:00

Over the last 2 weeks, I feel like I have been (and still am) at the bottom of the learning curve in LIFE.

Over the last 4 weeks, I've moved offices, houses, and started a full time job. O...M... G. Life has just been a little upside down lately. Between a new community at home, in the office and getting use to new duties, I feel like I'm up to my eyeballs with curveballs. Part of it is, for the first time in my life, I don't have someone mentoring me or intentionally investing in me since... well, ever. Part of it is, I'm allowing for insecurities to take over parts of my life (not consciously).

The insecurities I've spent the last 9 months battling don't ever go away. And I don't think that they're meant to. I don't think that my insecurities are a problem to solve, but rather a tension to manage. What I do with those insecurities will either make or break my day or week... and as proven in the last two weeks, they will make or break my relationships with others too. Denial, hiding and running from them doesn't work. If I choose to give into my insecurities and allow for take over my thoughts, I begin to doubt my instincts, friendships, and leadership skills- everything deteriorates.

The last 2 weeks have been hard, trying and real. It'll be okay. Because, at the end of the day, my friends are the ones who balance on my yoga ball listening to me whine and complain. They're the ones who buy me lattes- just because, and listen to me ramble as I incoherently stumble through my thoughts in the car on the drive home. They're the ones who give me bear hugs as I'm sobbing through a worship song... these are the things that matter. At the end of the day, I'm blessed to have amazing friends.

This is a season to keep learning, to practice being a friend- not just any kind, but a GREAT friend, to stay humble, vulnerable and confident. This is a season to get better, be better and aim higher.

Paige's List

2011-06-21T18:09:00.001-04:00

Don Miller wrote a blog post about his fiancee, Paige, describing what she wanted in a man.

After reading her list, I realized that she wasn't afraid to voice what she reeeeally wanted in a man. So many times, I feel like I think- what man wants to hear me talk 30 times a day?! Or, what man isn't afraid of sensitivities?

So then, my own list ends up with things like, "must kill bugs or remove them from my sight". Which, for the record is still a must. What I'm trying to say is, Paige's list has more depth. Paige believes that she's worth having a man who is all those things or strives to be those things for her.

I think a lot of times, I'm afraid to dream because I'm afraid that someone will come and take them away from me. I'm afraid of what others will think of me. I'm afraid of being too frivolous by dreaming about what kind of man I want. I should be dreaming about my career or my next life goal etc etc etc. I was taught to never depend on a man and never waste your time thinking about boys. Paige's list challenges me to think outside the box, and for the first time, allow myself to be vulnerable enough to myself and voice what I really want (to myself).

What about you? Are your dreams really your dreams? Or do you hold back from yourself?

Here’s Paige’s list:

I want someone who…

- loves God with his whole heart.
- wants to talk to me everyday, 30 times a day if that’s what I need that day.
- can’t wait to see me again
- is always thinking about me
- surprises me, in good ways from the little to the big
- plans dates for me
- follows through on what he says he’s going to do
- is consistent in his actions and behavior
- doesn’t disappear
- reassures me of his feelings for me with his actions and words
- wants the whole world to know how he feels about me, isn’t afraid to show it or say it
- puts me first, after God.
- is not afraid of my sensitivities, scars and wounds but wants to be a part of healing them
- always makes time for me no matter what else is going on.
- pursues me

All In: Striving

2011-05-24T23:25:00.000-04:00

Currently, I'm reading a book called Captivating. It. Is. Kicking. My. Butt.

It talks about a a fundamental question that all women ask themselves: "Am I lovely?"

It goes on to say that "women hide behind our makeup, our humor, angry silences and punishing withdrawals. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted and safe. We act in self protective ways and refuse to offer what we truly see, believe and know. We will not risk rejection or looking like a fool. We have spoken in the past and been met with blank stares and mocking guffaws. We will not do it again. We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. By hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts."

For me, a way to hide is by striving. I was really surprised when I read this in the book. I had no idea that all these years of working round the clock was actually me hiding behind who I really could be.

Looking back, it makes total sense. I grew up with the mantra "no one wants you if you can't earn your place". Money, job security and titles was the definition to success in my house. From the age of 12, I started volunteering and working various jobs. I needed to feel like I was worth something. And as long as I kept my grades up and worked- I was easily the favorite in my house. Since then, I have never looked back. I have hid behind my job for a long time... often putting in overtime when no one has asked me. In a strange way, I protected myself by never requiring attention, never causing pain and everything needed to be perfect. If I upset anything at work, my ship would sink- both at home and at my job. So I hid. Instead of coming up for air and asking God what He thinks of me, I chose to embrace the shame that kept me pinned down, believing that I deserved every bit of it.

The story of Mary and Martha from the Bible comes to mind here. I'm much too busy being Martha and taking care of all the details to be still and sit in God's presence. From where I'm sitting now, Mary seems like a lifetime away.

So as we continue our "All In" themed year... I surrender the will to strive and take up the peace of God's presence.

Movies Movies Movies

2011-05-18T14:39:00.002-04:00

So, I haven't seen a lot of movies. Some of my friends think that I'm un-American... some consider it a disgrace for me to call myself an "Arts Protege"... others, have taken it upon themselves to educate me.

Because everyone asks me, here are a list of movies that I haven't seen... that my friends insist I must see. Note: these are not ALL the movies I've never seen, just the ones I MUST see. The other list would be way too long.

What movies would you add on here? (I will say that Heather Zempel will most likely get the final say though because otherwise, I'll be forced to watch movies like Bicentennial Man")

16 Candles
40 Year Old Virgin
7 Brides for 7 Brothers
7 pounds
A League of their Own
Alice In Wonderland
American Graffiti
American Pie
An Education
Animal House
Army of Darkness
August Rush
~~Avatar~~
Big
Blind Side
~~Braveheart~~
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Can't Hardly Wait
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
City Slickers
Clerks
Crash
Enough
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Footloose
Ghost
Ghostbusters
Gladiator
Gremlins
Groundhog Day
Grumpy Old Men
Hero
Hook
Indiana Jones
Karate Kid
Kate and Leopold
Kindergaten Cop
Kiss Me Kate
Law Abiding Citizen
Lean On Me
Leigion
Lethal Weapon
~~Love Actually~~
Mall Rats
Man in the Iron Mask
Million Dollar Baby
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Mr. Holland's Opus
National Treasure
Never ending Story
Nightmare Before Christmas
O Brother Where Art Thou?
October Sky
Old School
One Fine Day
Only You
Original Sin
Out of Africa
Parent Hood
Pretty in Pink
Princess Bride
Road to Perdition
Robin Hood
Rocky
Sabrina
~~Saved~~
Shakespeare In Love
Shawshank Redemption
~~Singing in the Rain~~
Spaceballs
Star Wars
Steel Magnolias
The Associate
The Christmas Story
The Goonies
The Green Mile
The Natural
The Sting
Top Gun
Toy Story
Under the Tuscan Sun
Up
Up close and personal
Waiting to Exhale
Walk the Line
Water Boy
Wedding Crashers
Win a Date with Todd Hamilton

I need your help

2011-05-16T22:41:00.006-04:00

I have agonized over this blog post for over a week now and it's time to bite the bullet.

my dearest friends- I need your help.

In 11 days I leave for Greece where I will be working alongside a team of 14 NCCers to partner with A21 in sex trafficking. To date, 27 million people are victims of modern day slavery. That's a really big number. Why Greece you ask? Greece is known as the center of trafficking in Europe. A primary destination and transit country for human trafficking, an estimated 800,000 people are trafficked across Greek borders every year. Did you know that human trafficking has affected more PEOPLE than the Holocaust, Rwanda, Korean, Vietnam, WWI, and WWII combined?

The total cost of this trip is $3000 and I still need $1050. Will you help me get there? I leave on May 27th from Washington, DC.

Why is this trip so important to me? Looking at my history, it's begun to sink into me that others have been careless with my life. Studies indicate that abused children are 28 times more likely to be arrested for sex trafficking than those who were not abused. That statistic of 27 million? I could be one of them and it's by God's faithfulness that I'm not. But you know what? Until recently, I could care less. I could care less about me, about the 27 million others and the potentially millions of others who could be trafficked as well. I went about my day to day life as if my past didn't exist, pretending to be someone I'm not. I looked over every prostitute as if they didn't exist and pretending as if they chose the life they live. Reality is, they matter. I matter. And for me it starts with going to Greece with an amazing team from NCC.

It's been a long road and taken me a long time to realize that one life matters, MY life matters. I'm not sure when and how my story will be used, but I have a sneaky suspicion that this is just the beginning. Greece is step one of many to come. Will you help me get there? I would be ever so grateful!

If you’re able to help financially, you can give in a couple of ways:
1. By credit card on-line through the National Community Church website. You’ll need to sign up for an account so that you can receive a receipt for tax purposes. Click Here to give online. Click the online giving button, create an account, and under the “Funds” category, select “Greece Trip 2011″, and then be sure to select my name in the “Sub Fund” drop down box that appears after you select the trip so that it gets credited to my account.

2. If you don’t need the tax refund, you can send a check to me: Diana Wei Fang, 205 F Street NE Washington DC 20002, and write in the Memo line – Greece Trip 2011.

3. Since time is short- I also have a paypal account You can also search for me using Diana.Fang@theaterchurch.com :)

Again, thank you!

All In: My Story

2011-04-13T14:18:00.002-04:00

NCC is a church that is focused on and committed to missions. The church body supports over 65 ministries and missionaries in DC and around the world, and has a vision to give 2 million dollars annually to missions.

In May I have the opportunity to go with a team of NCCers to serve in Greece. NCC has been invited by the A21 Campaign to assist their efforts in Greece. They provide legal aid, prevention, and restoration programs to victims of human trafficking throughout Eastern Europe. Their goal is to abolish the injustice of human slavery in the 21st century. I’m confident our time will bless the A21 campaign, and as I know that it’ll be an intensive time of personal growth for both myself and the team.

Over the last year, I've really been focusing on my past and why it's important in my walk of faith with Christ. Recently, I stumbled upon something Christine Caine said, "We must commit to the internal healing process for God’s restoration to take place, because an artificial soul replacement is simply not an option. We have to work with what we’ve been given. But don’t worry; God is faithful and will bring healing if we are willing to commit to His plan and His process."

As we go through this All In sermon series at NCC, I feel the Lord prompting me to give up my story, my life, my control- history included. So many times in my life, I'm completely ashamed but yet insecure about my story. This trip to Greece is a way for me to develop a heart for those who have endured/suffered so much more than I have and ever will. This trip to Greece is a chance for me to eat my own humble pie because what I experience will never compare to what these girls are going through RIGHT NOW.

I need your help in prayer and financially to make this trip a reality. Please pray for safe travels and an impacting trip. I fully expect it will be an emotional journey. Much prayer is needed for the A21 Campaign and the people we’re going to help. Also, please consider partnering with me financially on this trip. The trip will cost $3000.

If you’re able to help financially, you can give in a couple of ways:
1. By credit card on-line through the National Community Church website. You’ll need to sign up for an account so that you can receive a receipt for tax purposes. Click Here to give online. Click the online giving button, create an account, and under the “Funds” category, select “Greece Trip 2011″, and then be sure to select my name in the “Sub Fund” drop down box that appears after you select the trip so that it gets credited to my account.

2. If you don’t need the tax refund, you can send a check to me: Diana Wei Fang, 205 F Street NE Washington DC 20002, and write in the Memo line – Greece Trip 2011.

Thank you all in helping me go ALL IN. :)

All In: Marriage

2011-03-30T01:13:00.002-04:00

I've never wanted babies of my own (genetically). I really don't want to continue sharing my genes. My family history is messy and sloppy enough without passing it down to another generation. Until recently, I was pretty sure that I would be okay if I was single for the rest of my life. If God had plans for me to be single... I was really really okay with that. I have a job that I love, friends that I cherish and a crazy family (who doesn't?)

Over the last 6 months, I've really been pressing/digging into this matter (as you see from the blog), but really haven't given the idea of having babies much more thought. It just isn't something I think about often. But honestly, in the last 2 months or so... I've really embraced the idea of being married and having biological kids a little more.

Currently, NCC is in a sermons series titled, "All In". Last weekend, Pastor Mark led the congregation into extended worship after the sermon was over (He preached on Abraham/Issac and how god gave them a blessing and then asked for them to give up the blessing on an altar as a test because God wanted to ensure that He is first in our lives-always.) During the extended worship, PM asked us to try/experiment with a new posture while worshiping God. Sooooo, here I am... trying to be obedient. And I ask God: What would you like for me to give up? God's response: The idea of marriage.

No big deal right? I'm not even sure if I want to be married or not... what's the dealio? WRONG! I was so taken aback by the thought of giving up the idea of being married, I had to ask again. Sure enough. I didn't hear incorrectly. How could this be? I was JUST getting use to the idea of it. I was JUST starting to daydream about it- never in my life had I really ever seriously thought about getting married. You know those stories you hear about little girls who have dreamed about their wedding day and wear the little pillow cases as their veil? Yeah, that was never me. I just didn't want to drag an entire family through what I went through.

I can not, for the life of me, understand why I was SO devastated about being asked to give up the idea of marriage. Standing there, in my little worship bubble- I agreed. I told God that I would give up the idea of marriage. But even so, in place of what I thought would be relief... was angst from the pit of my stomach. All of a sudden, I wanted marriage more than ANYTHING I've wanted in a long time. What was the deal God? I didn't think that God was in the business of taking away a desire and a blessing that He had given me.

Weeks later, I had some great counseling from a wonderful mentor and she challenged me to ask God to clarify what He meant. Was He asking me to give up marriage and pursue a life of singleness? OR was He asking me to give up the control in the idea of marriage? After some prayer walking (more like pacing), I really felt God telling me to give up CONTROL. In some ways, that's more difficult because it means hands off- completely. It's another step of trust in my walk of faith.

I also asked some wonderful friends who's opinion I really value. Here's what they think:

God needed to take the idea of marriage away in order for me to realize how desperately I actually wanted something.

Like Abraham/Issac, God just wanted to see if I would be willing to give up something so near and dear to me so that He will always be first in my life.

I'm finally in a place where I have enough "holy confidence" in me to truly think that someone could possibly love me AND I'm at a place where if I have a baby, I'm not passing down my crappy genes, but rather God's blessing.

Who knows what God has in store for me... this is only the beginning. Stay tuned folks. :)

Casting of Nets

2011-03-10T23:29:00.001-05:00

What am I willing to give up to follow Jesus? How appropriate that my small group is asking this very question while NCC is going through an "All In" series (small group is not an NCC small group).

As I go through my growing process of figuring out who I am, I've been shedding old habits and trying to learn new and healthier ones. It never once dawned on me how hard I would have to fight to keep my new habits. As of late, I've experienced a heightened sense of spiritual warfare. The need, want and desire to crawl back into my insecurities are just so gosh darn appealing! As God blesses me with new relationships, I want to crawl back into my old/manipulative/controlling self. The habit to create expectations as a self-defense mechanism is strong and let me be the first to tell you... it is EXHAUSTING to stay on the road that I know God is calling me to.

It reminds me of when Mia Michaels choreographed a dance on the show "So You Think You Can Dance" about addiction. The man represents "addiction" and the woman is desperately fighting for her life in the dance. It's a beautiful representation of the struggle. How addiction is powerful, graceful, appealing and controlling. The two dancers are constantly touching in one way shape or form through the entire dance and in the moments when they're not touching... the addiction controls the woman like a puppet. In my case, man represents "dependency on others".

I create expectations and high ones of others so that they will fail me. So that I have a reason to be controlling of the situation. I create ways and areas in which others will fail in my eyes to prove that I don't need them, but in some weird and psychological way, I need them to feed my addiction.

It has been so liberating to replace God in all that and really freeing too. But it is a daily choice that I have to make. Some days are harder than others to make that choice. What am I willing to give up in order to follow Jesus? Control. Manipulation. Dependency. The list goes on and on and on.

One day as Jesus was walking along the shore of the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers—Simon, also called Peter, and Andrew—throwing a net into the water, for they fished for a living. 19 Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” 20 And they left their nets at once and followed him.~Matthew 4:18-20

Here's the addiction video I was referring to:

Cheese is still gross

2011-01-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

So it's no secret that I care a lot about what others think. Lately, I realized how much of a people pleaser I was until last week at Bible Study. I can't do anything without thinking of how someone else will think of the action or choice that I make.

For example:

I can't lay in the grass and relax because I'm afraid of what someone passing by might think of me.

I get nervous ordering dinner in front of others in case they think the food I order is weird... or they might think I'm "uncool" with what I eat. (Hey, I'm Chinese... this is so possible)I also can't order dinner without knowing what others are getting first. And if they make me order dinner first... I ask for the waiter to make the decision for me- again, to ensure that what I get is the cool dish (if there is such thing as one)

I like the same music "everyone else" likes because I want to be liked

I purchase clothes that I think others will like on me... not clothes that I like on myself.

The list can go on and on and on. I need to get to a place where I am confidant that God's opinion of me is the only thing that matters.

Sooooo, I will be using this blog to write about my journey of likes and dislikes. I'm going through everything to see if *I* really like something. It'll be an adventure.

Although, I do have to say this... I love being on staff at National Community Church and this is something that I do because I am confidant that it is where God has called me to. No question about it. (See? I'm not completely a lost cause)

So with that- I tried some cheeses again to double check that I still think that cheese is still gross. (I tried Brie, Monterey Jack, Cheddar, and Gorgonzola in case you're wondering). Consensus? Yep. Still gross. Really gross in fact. Mozzarella and Provolone are contenders though. I don't mind them because I can't taste them :)

Stay tuned for what else I try... it'll be an adventure.

Acquaintances, Friends, and Close Friends

2011-01-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

Today in Bible study, we defined the differences between acquaintances, friends and close friends. We used the amount of time spent with one another, the number of people we associate in that column and the topics of life we talk about with one another in each respective column as a reference for comparison.

For most, you have thousands of acquaintances, hundreds of friends and a few (less than 5) close friends.

For most, you spend next to no time with acquaintances, a couple of parties/ social gatherings/ bible studies etc with friends and all the free time possible with your close friends.

For most, you chat about niceties/weather with acquaintances, you discuss work/school/churchy things with friends and you divulge all those remarks you couldn't say in front of others to your close friends.

Not for me... at least, that's what I thought.

You see, there's not much that I hide from folks. If you ask me a question, I will answer honestly. If I disagree with you, for the most part, I will tell you. When I mentally tallied the numbers in my head, I had thousands of acquaintances, hundreds of friends and loooots of close friends. Or so I thought.

You see, close friendships require work, tears, pain and sweat amongst the laughing, smiles and story times. In order for there to be tear and pain... I had to have hurt my friend. However, I can't recall INTENTIONALLY ever hurting a friend before. I can't recall, in the last couple of years, having to humble myself to a friend because I hurt them due to something that I did. (I'm not saying that I didn't hurt anyone, because I'm sure that I have. But I can't remember hurting someone where I needed to go back and apologize for what I did or said.) And so, in REALITY, I really don't have any close friends... at all. I was being fake. I'm a people pleaser. I was not being me... at all.

It's totally my fault. I've royally screwed up relationships in the past and I'm terrified of doing the same again. I've been manipulative and arrogant. I've been a really bad friend, girlfriend, daughter and sister to a ton of people... and I really didn't want to be that person again. So, years ago, I put up walls around myself and froze. Life went on, of course. But relationally, I didn't. I was... no, I AM scared of moving forward because clinging on to what I know is so much easier than stepping out blindly in faith towards something much better and much more rewarding. As a result, I have no close friends.

Here I am wondering why. Here I am wondering what I need to be doing differently starting today. I don't think it means that I need to divulge my past and tell my life story to everyone I come across. But, I do think it means that I need to be REAL. I think it means that I need to stop hating myself and who I am and start standing up in who God has called me to be. I need to stop worrying about if I'm being judged by others or if God will still love me for thinking these snarky thoughts... or if someone will dislike the music that I like and as a result, dislike me. I need to stop being fake.

This is not going to be easy. I feel like I knew who I was before and I was comfortable in my fakeness... and now I'm learning that it's all a lie. It's not me at all. Old habits die hard. So we're starting with the basics. What do I know about me today?

Hello. My name is Diana Wei Fang and I am a daughter of Christ. (to be continued...)

Worthless

2010-11-03T00:13:00.001-04:00

worth·less [wurth-lis] –adjective
without worth; of no use, importance, or value; good-for-nothing

In my small group last week, we were talking about our week... and one girl in my group was extremely angry because she was called "worthless". I sat there listening to her, trying to empathize with her, trying to feel if I would feel... anything at all. If I was to be called worthless, I would react right? I would be just as angry as she was, right? And I felt... nothing.

I then sat there wondering why. If someone was to call ANY of my friends/family worthless, I would be infuriated. In fact, I was upset that someone had called the girl worthless- but I still couldn't empathize with her.

Something in me resonated enough to know that the feeling of nothingness when being called worthless is probably the wrong reaction. I realized over the last couple of days, that I've been called worthless multiple times in my life... too many to count in fact. It's a norm now, to be called worthless. I've become numb to the idea of it and for the first time in my life, I had an inkling that it may not be God's view of me. Luke 12:7 says "And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries." Good to know... worth more than the birds. Okay, I can deal...

But digging further, I realize (with the help of wonderful others) that I am made in His image... and that "He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight." Ephesians 1:4. That's pretty stinkin' awesome. Even more awesome, Ephesians 1:7-8 continues to say that "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." If I'm made in His image, then I'm not so worthless, am I?

If I told you that I think of myself as someone full of worth after all of this, then I'd be lying. It's just the beginning of a long journey ahead. For the time being, I'm going to rejoice in the moment of feeling... something, when being called worthless. Baby steps.

Arts THINK-IN reflection

2010-10-25T17:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the first ever Arts Think-In at NCC. It was a long time coming, I've had this vision for awhile, but it wasn't until 2 months ago that I conjured up this brain-child.

My whole thought was that the artists in the "community" didn't know each other. We pray for each other via email and hopefully encounter each other as we walk through life together. But there are no small groups (except for Amanda Goolsby's Capture group), no outreach being done and we don't give back to the community, as a community of artists, at all. On top of that, I found that the artists could be sitting next to each other and not even realize it. How could this be? Furthermore, there was an alarming amount of artists in the NCC community and practically no one knew about it. Again, how could this be? Why were we not supporting each other?

It became apparent to me several months ago that the artists needed to meet each other face to face. And as artists tend to isolate themselves (the "I will show the world that I can do it" mentality), it was REALLY really necessary to do something sooner rather than later.

Thus, Arts THINK-IN conceptualized. With the encouragement of Steph, Genna, Heather and Ryan, I was able to put something together. The goal being NETWORKING and RESISTANCE. I wanted for the NCC artists to hopefully find motivation to take their thoughts into action.

So, I invited 45 artistic/executive directors along with professional artists in the metro DC area and all of the NCC arts community. I asked for Genevieve Williams, Maegan Stout and Sarah Bayot to speak at the THINK-IN- all speakers whom have spoken into my life and I hope would do the same for others.

I can not be more thrilled with how the speakers were yesterday. (Side note: the fact that Genna spoke at all, is a win. The fact that Maegan put together her talk in a mere 2 days and LOOKED as if she had spent weeks preparing it, is a win. The fact that Sarah Bayot, whom none of the artists knew was able to get up and give an Artists Prayer, is a win.) Each speaker challenged again and again for the artists to take their thoughts into action. Each speaker was raw and real... i'm so thankful to have them in my day to day life. Afterwards, the artists attending were already putting down their ideas onto paper. And I've already received emails about how to make their ideas more concrete.

I met a mom of one of the artists. She was telling me how grateful she was of NCC and what we were trying to provide for the artists. How her daughter grew up "weird" or "odd" because she was an artist and how the church they go to as a family didn't give the artist an outlet or any kind of support whatsoever. Hearing that story and seeing her tears made all the planning and the stress worth it. Because ultimately, that's what we're here for. That's what drives me to keep planning all the crazy events- seeing the artists thrive in a safe, non-judgmental environment.

This is only step one of many to come. None of the professional artists outside of NCC came (many did email me with reasons), but it does tell me that there is much more networking to be done. The artists within the NCC community need to be taken seriously within the Metro DC artists community ("Christian artists aren't as serious as 'real' artists apparently.)

At the end of the day, I feel as though everyone who did come got what they really needed to hear. And I'm eternally grateful to everyone who encourages and supports me along the way :) it keeps me going :)

Catalyst

2010-10-10T00:03:00.000-04:00

I have been excited about the Catalyst conference in Atlanta, GA for MONTHS. Back when I was applying to become a protege at National Community Church, I was begging Steph to take me if I didn't get accepted in the program. On Wednesday, the entire staff headed over to Atlanta for the Catalyst conference :) What an incredible time, full of memories with the staff, phenomenal speakers and inspiring messages.

I had never heard most of the speakers live before, but have read and admired and followed their works so needless to say, I was stoked! I felt like everyone brought their A-game to Catalyst and I feel lucky to be part of the experience. There is a lot for me to process through, but I left Catalyst feeling like God's called me to the right place, the right ministry and the right time. Though I didn't agree with all of the speakers, I felt like there was something to take away from each speaker. The one thing I will most definitely be working on for a long time is something Beth Moore mentioned in her talk: "Self-loathing is as much of a sin as self-confidence is". It is something I do unconsciously a lot and it's something stems from somewhere deeper. But starting today, it'll be something I'll need to consciously work on.

Here are some memories:

- Rubber band fight with the staff (side note: rubber bands don't sweep up nor do they vacuum up. So who's bright idea was it to give 13,000 people rubber bands to sling across the arena?)

- the piano player playing "I believe I can fly" by R Kelly as T.D. Jakes is saying "I believe YOU can fly!" Cheeeeeesy.

- Heather Zempel dropping her cell phone and then getting the nice guy next to her in trouble by the event staff for jumping down to help her retrieve it

- Amanda Giobbi's prank call. She rapped to me. 'nuff said

- Luncheon with Scott Harrison (founder of charity:water) and Gabe Lyons (founder of Q). What an incredible experience! Scott has been a hero of mine for a couple of years, I never thought I'd be "star struck" at that luncheon, but I was! Super thanks to Sarah who got me that ticket :)

- A man shot out of a cannon across the arena.

- I discovered Michael Gungor- unreal worship team!

- Getting to know more staff members. Loved listening to the hearts of Matt & Kellie Ortiz over dinner :)

There's so much more. I know I'm being repetitive, but Catalyst was really amazing and I just felt blessed to be able to hear the brilliant minds of Francis Chan, Andy Stanley, T.D. Jakes, Seth Godin, Daniel Pink, Craig Groeschel etc etc etc.

More on them as I process through the next several days, weeks and months :)

Day One

2010-09-10T12:52:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was the first day of being a protege at National Community Church. I'm so excited for the adventures that will come in the next 12 months.

Since I've been interning for the last year at National Community Church, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to feel walking into the office as a protege. Someone asked me if I felt different, kinda like having a birthday. To be honest, I did. I felt... legit. This is not a a bad reflection on last year at all, the staff opened up their doors, smiles and hearts to me when I first came on. But I was suppose to be there for a semester and I was suppose to work on database entry type things for Steph. That turned into me falling in love with the staff and worship teams at NCC, which turned into me just staying on. It was a position that enabled for Steph to invest in me and for me to hit the ground running with all these crazy ideas in my head. NCC allowed me to experiment last year. There were moments last year when Steph and I couldn't determine if I was "staff" or not. I remember giggling like crazy in her office because we weren't sure if I should be in the staff photo or not. I was in a limbo. But walking in yesterday, I'm a protege. It's legit. :)

Hearing the other protege's stories yesterday was one of my favorite moments. I love hearing about where people have come from and how God has really determined their footsteps long before we even recognize it. Seeing the staff's excitement and encouragement allowed for me to dream big for the next 12 months. There are so many things I want to do with the arts community this year, I can't even get them all written down fast enough.

Steph's out of town for the next couple of weeks and coupled with Agnes' wedding at the end of the month, life is going to be crazy this month. But I'm ready Freddie and I am so thankful to everyone who's invested in me to make this happen. :)

P.S. Apparently, I've been dubbed as "Kryptonite". HA!

Processing my thoughts and emotions

2010-02-10T00:16:00.003-05:00

I've been sorting through a lot of feelings of hurt and sorrow. I've been working really hard on pointing and focusing those feelings to God. Trying my hardest to allow for God to take those feelings and work through them.

It's been a roller coaster ride as I've been working on my faith and in becoming a more confident Christian. Funny as I look back to 4 months ago, I was afraid of Alpha, praying outloud and even sharing! God's been super patient in my life and has waited for me to embrace what I've always been meant to be. It's hard to put into words all the tears I've had over the last couple of weeks (and at the most random times and places!) Steph always says that God is "doing something" in my life whenever I start tearing up! Can He do His thing without me ending up in tears every day? ;o) I can't say enough what a true blessing my NCC family has been to me. They accept me for exactly who I am. And for that, I am thankful.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been on a leadership retreat with NCC and the staff also fasted for vision. As a result, on a personal level, it's become crystal clear to me that the Hyatt is not the place for me. Disagreements with boss aside, I believe in the mantra: "Do what you love, love what you do". I am NOT doing what I love and I most definitely do not love what I do at the Hyatt. I also believe in making changes that will "stand the test of time". I don't believe in fixing and refixing a problem because you didn't think through it the first time around or because you wanted a "quick fix". It's just not me. I think with my heart and I'm just not meant to work for a corporation. Working at the Hyatt hasn't all been bad. I need to cover myself with prayers and the Word in order for me to make it through a work day. It's a blessing in disguise- for me to rely on Him so much. Pastor Mark would say, "that's just the way He wants it". But at the end of the day, I'm not meant to work at the Hyatt. It's not the right fit for me. I've been trying for too long to make it fit, and it will never fit.

After all the tears and talks and more tears from the last several weeks, I'm just now beginning to grasp the concept of "Jesus love me". I know its super duper basic. I know that its "Christianity 101". But it's really difficult for me to process that statement. Melissa sent me an email the other day, "You know, I have to confess I don't understand it either, how God was willing to send His Son to die for me, and how Jesus would agree to do such a thing. I don't understand the agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as they watched Jesus suffer and die I don't understand the intense love for ME that kept Jesus on the cross till the end. I don't understand it, but it sure does make life worth living." John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Crazy Pants. I know.

I am the Lord, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,

Deep in my soul

2010-01-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

Couple weeks ago, I shared with Steph my story. The details of my story are difficult for me to re-hash and I don't have a problem sharing it with others. But, it takes a significant amount of energy from me to re-tell it time and time again. In the past, I use to cry every time I told someone my story and these days, I can pretty much get through telling my story with a smile on my face.

Steph observed that I tell my story in the third person, as if the person I'm telling the story about is not me. There are most definitely parts of my story that are blurry and there are details that I simply don't remember. As we have been talking over it in the last couple of weeks, I realized that I have simply buried those details and facts deep deep down in my heart and soul. Leaving all those details in that box allows for me to share my story without crying every time and it allows for me to smile when I'm re-living my story every time I tell it again. But, leaving things in that box means that I'm unable to give my heart completely to God. There's a part of me that's untouchable and unreachable.

As Pastor Mark preached about the soul this week at NCC, I realized that in order for me to have a healthy relationship with others, with myself and most importantly, with God- I need to start working on sharing more. I need to trust more. I need to dig way deep down in my soul and try to remember these details. It'll take a lot longer than a day or a week- heck it may take years. But I need to consciously take the first step and start opening this box, so that one day, I can give my heart and soul- all of it, to the Lord.

My story isnt' a secret. I'll share it with you if you ask me. But I'm not comfortable with posting it online just yet, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be. But if you're interested, we'll sit down one day for coffee :o).

Starstruck moments

2010-01-02T12:32:00.001-05:00

More often than not, I have to take a moment to breathe in all the amazing talent I'm consistently surrounded by. Rehearsals with the worship team as we think of creative ways to "jazz up" Christmas carols, days in the office when I'm listening to Steph fiddle with the guitar down the hall, nights when we sit around amazing food made by Abi Byrd to discuss artwork made by NCC artists, days when I can walk into Jer's office and see a stunning graphic made by him for service, times when the Jo(e)s and Stephen Elliot share their phenomenal photos up on twitter and facebook... and I can't help but think to myself- this is my life now. WOW. These things happen to me all the time now. How did I ever get so freaking blessed?

When I sat on the Regional Board of Directors (RBD) for the North East Affiliate of College and University Residence Halls (NEACURH), we had this phrase we coined, "RBD Starstruck". It was reserved for those special people who would view the RBD members as someone they looked up to, so to speak. Those who were starstruck usually wanted to be an RBD member sooooo bad. Not because we were cool people, but I like to think that its because it gave them something to aspire to. To sit on the board of directors for the biggest student run corporation in the world- not too shabby in my eyes. Everyone who sat on the RBD was starstruck at one time or another before we were elected. Usually, when you were starstruck, your eyes would get all big and doe-y eyed and you just can't stop smiling. You also tend to babble... a lot. Lol It's natural. We've all been there at one point or another in our lives. I love being starstruck. I love having people that I can aspire and look up to. I love it even more so when they're my friends. How many people can say that? My friends give me starstruck moments. You know what's better than that? When these amazing people who are equally as humble and talented are also equally as encouraging, forgiving and oh-so-loving. It's so good to be star struck. Reminds me that there's more to learn, more to do and it helps me not to get stuck in a rut. Gives me something to strive towards.

This year, I rang in the New Year with the same amazing people. It only gives me a glimpse of how amazing and wonderful 2010 will be. In addition to spending time with friends this year, I hope to sing and perform a lot more, give daily gratitude, find a new job, work on more crossword puzzles, and make a bigger investment in NCC. Already 2010 is looking to be better than 2009. I've got 3 weddings to go to- one being Aggy, one of my closest friends. I'm going to Managua, Nicaragua in March (eeee!), Mark is planning a Day Trip To Nowhere, In the Beginnings in opening in three weeks, my Block Party is REAL and most definitely happening AND I'm graduating in December (caaan't wait!). It's only January 2nd. I'm so freaking blessed :o).

Links!

2009-12-27T13:36:00.001-05:00

Couple of you have asked about where to get Steph's song "Hope's Got Me". You can visit her website here and you can listen to her song from National Community Church's Baptism by the Bay this past summer where our media team made an incredible video.

Enjoy. I work with some talented people :o)

Hope's Got Me

2009-12-22T03:27:00.000-05:00

So I'm pretty sure everyone know's my saga at the Hyatt by now.

This past week I was pulled into the office of Jay- aka "Big Kahuna" (Cheryl's boss) and he told me that I was a negative person. He also told me that most of my co-workers didn't like to work with me because I was such a negative influence for them. I should also mention that Jay asked me to choose between school and work. He felt that school was interfering with my job. I was so bummed when I found out and seriously confused! Me? A negative person? Me? the person who loves to laugh and sing? Whaaaaaaaaat? You know the worst part for me was that I believed him. The more I thought about it, I found ways to convince myself that I was and I believed that I was a negative person. Every day last week I was just a miserable human being. I also tried really hard to change at work- I bought everyone coffee, I was extra extra bubbly and I even agreed to work a 19 hour shift to gain extra brownie points. I started obsessively checking my emails from work when I was off and tried to be a "fake Diana". None of that made a difference to how I felt. None of that made a difference to how the Hyatt viewed me. On some level, before Jay pulled me into his office, I knew that I needed to leave but really didn't want to leave the Hyatt because it meant that I was unable to succeed at a job- even as unhappy as I was there. But then Jay said, "I can't promote you because of your negative attitude, not because of how you do your job." Me... wow. I'm a negative person.

After my 19 hour shift at the Hyatt this weekend, I went to service at NCC and felt so at peace there. I went "sledding" and made some snow angels with some amazing people in the snow. I spent the entire day with fellow NCCers and felt more at home and more at peace than I have since I've moved to DC. I love being among them and constantly being challenged by NCCers. I love that they support me but yet push me to grow each and every single day, without ever asking me to change who I am. I realized today as I was listening to Steph Modder's "Hope's Got Me" that NCC is where I belong. I've done my job at the Hyatt. Jay said so himself. But, at one point- enough is enough. I am not a negative person! How could I allow for someone who doesn't really know me to have so much input and impact on my life? A place where going to school is a bad thing. A place where someone trying to literally grow and expand one's mind is a bad thing! Whether or not my coworkers like working for me is something I'll never find out, but I do know that fellow NCCers like working with me. These are people whose opinion matter to me- whose respect, love and affection matter to me.

The other day, I walked into Mark Batterson's office for the first time ever. He has books lined floor to ceiling in there- he's read every single one of them! I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of books. The staff at NCC gets a budget every month to purchase books for themselves so they can continue to.. who would've thunk? Learn. This is a place that encourages learning. This is a place that supports growth without squashing someone's passion. In fact, NCC does the exact opposite! NCC allows me to push my creative boundaries and encourages for me to pursue my passions. All without asking me to change who I am.

For the first time, I'm at peace with leaving the Hyatt. I have no idea where I'm going or what I'll be doing, but I've got God on my side and I know that no matter what they say about me and who I am as a person, it won't make a difference. 2010 is around the corner and there are bigger and better things coming my way. All of them include NCC in one way or another.

"Hope's got me wrapped so tightly. This is not the end. I'm ready to begin again."~Steph Modder.

music. my worship.

2009-11-28T20:11:00.001-05:00

So i'm on the train home from Brooklyn and i'm just sad because I just spent a great weekend with my family and tomorrow I have to go back to work at the grand. Soooo excited!!

But then I turned on my MP3 player and "you'll come" by hillsong came on. And I'll be honest, I never really paid much attention to the song, but as i'm standing in Penn station, the song just pours into me. I turn up the volume and really listened. Suddenly, my sadness went away, the crazy lady that kept "accidentally" kicking my suitcase was gone and I was alone in Penn station. "surely as the sun will rise, you'll come." oh man, it was so awesome. Just standing there soaking in that song.

Music takes me to a whole other level of worship. I love the feeling when an orchestra is tuning- hands down my favorite moment of a rehearsal. I love how i'm transported to another world that books and pictures just cannot take me to. I love how singing uses every fiber of my being to produce "great" music. And lately, I love how music really allows me to sign freely- without worry. When we're worshiping in church, I am the only person there with God. I KNOW that Gena is standing next to me, but it is the only time when I don't care about what someone thinks of my singing, how loud I am and what I look like when i'm doing it. Its a moment of complete and utter freedom. And I really love how signing has allowed me physically show my love for music. I'm not the type of person to stand with my hands in the air when we worship, but i've always felt that I need to do more. Signing allows me that "release" so to speak.

So while I was at home, i've seriously noticed how slow our internet was and how spoiled I was by high speed internet. Anyways, I was talking to Jeremy and he mentioned a new blog post. So I pull up his blog and wait the eternity (I.e. 2 minutes) for his page to load. No new post. Lol he didn't post it yet- bum tricked me! Anyhow, while I was on the page already, I started reading some older posts of his. There's one about how Jeremy is walking and the sun is setting and he's seeing shadows and how he could make the photo better by using different programs etc. Never, ever have I looked at the sunset and thought that. I've looked at the sunset and thanked the Lord for a glorious sunset. But all that stuff he thinks about.... Amazes me. Anyways, so he goes on saying how this is his way of worshiping and that he "play(s) with light and color and motion and create something that I find beautiful that I think my Father would be proud of ". I could never see a picture and just know and feel something within the very core of me from the Lord. That said, the same response or feeling that Jeremy gets- that other level he views God's creation, is what I get when I hear worship songs. Well, most worship songs. Some are pretty bad. The same way he thinks about pictures and images I think about music and rehearsals and the instruments. And recently, I think about how I would sign it if I was helping Kari. I'm completely transported to a world where its just me and God. I think about how I can continue to please Him through my music and what else I can do with my voice. (P.S. Jer explains it eighty times better than I ever could, if I find his post again, I'll link it)

Lately, I've had a stronger urge to sing and perform again. I've been taking lessons and haven't done a single show in over a year. God gave me my voice and I use to think that no one would want to hear my voice because it can't possibly be any good. Like my relationship with Christ, I've mostly kept my singing a secret from those who know me outside of school. I know, you must be thinking, you were a MUSIC major! I hated performing. Lol I knew that I needed to. I knew subconsciously that God gave me my voice and recently, I've realize with a greater conviction that this voice was meant to be shared. God has always seen to it that my lessons were well paid for, even though I had no money to cover tuition, my lessons were always taken care of. When I was in school, I was selected for guest artists to work with me in master classes even though I am most clearly not the best singer in my class. God's given me everything I could ever ask for. God's given me luxuries I've never been able to do or handle on my own. It's time I start paying Him back for all He's done for me. I'm always scared that others will think I can't sing. But I can!! God's seen to it that I am fully capable of singing! Why hide it?

music. my worship.

Cliche post here I come

2009-11-26T18:45:00.001-05:00

It's THANKSGIVING!!!! So here is my cliche Thanksgiving post of what I am thankful for :) I have a lot to be thankful for this year. My thankful cup is overflowing :)

Oh man... I can't even begin where to start about how thankful I am for my NCC family. I've grown leaps and bounds just from being around all of you.

Steph, all the support and love that you pour into my life- I'm so grateful. I know your schedule is packed and filled with more important things, but you always set time aside for me :).

Kari, you've pushed and believed in my interpreting abilities more than I ever thought was possible. Thank you for your patience! I really enjoy learning from you! You've inspired me to do more with ASL. Can't wait for big things to happen!

Jeremy, you're an onion. It's what I love most about you. You make life fun and bring endless amounts of laughs to my life- can't thank you enough for that.

Mary Evans- Thank you for being YOU. If you had never taken me under your wing, I wouldn't be Steph's intern right now and I wouldn't have an NCC family :)

Chris Jarrell- thank you for pushing me to open up and continue this blog. Thank you for accepting my deal and your endless prayers for me. :)

These are just the highlights of the last 2 months at NCC. It's been sooo amazing.

As always, my moose family, your endless support and foundation keep me grounded and moving forward. Though we've been separated all over the east coast, you've still been my columns of strength. For that, I can't thank you enough.

Adelphi family- oh man. I owe so much to all of you. You've pushed me to be a better musician, a better person and you were the first to accept for who I am. You all know who you are- can't thank and love you enough :)

Goobs, you watch over me like the big brother I've always needed. I know you'll always be there for me. Thanks :)

Mama Duck- you gave me disney memories. And a friend when I needed one the most. I'm so grateful *hugs*

Pookie and Mui- You teach me so much every day. Best sisters anyone could ever ask for :)

The list could go on and on and on and on... thank you all sooo much. Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Prayers prayers prayers...

2009-11-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

So I've been sick for 6 days and I have never slept SO MUCH and still felt SO TIRED. But in the last 6 days, I have done a lot of Jesus thinking and it's been reeeeeally amazing. And for the first time EVER, I'm really comfortable with where I am in DC. I've finally started to recognize myself again and it feels pretty freaking awesome.

Last Monday, I gave my fiiiiirst prayer request... outLOUD! It consisted of six words but yet it took me 2 whole minutes to blurt it out- I was so nervous! But guess what? I'm alive! Hahaha and my group members. Heather, Steph and everyone else were supper supportive. At the Alpha retreat, I had absolutely zero voice (thank goodness for ASL!), but as Heather was speaking on Saturday morning, she said "your relationship with God is personal, not private". Man, those words really hit me hard. This whole time, I honestly was just so scared to be myself. I'm too scared about what others think of me and too scared to do anything about it. Plus, I'm such a control freak that it's difficult for me to give up all of control over on faith to God. And so I'm trying. And since then, a million and two prayers of mine have been answered. Not to mention, I just feeeeel so much freer (which is a nice feeling considering this sick thing isn't so awesome). My loans are coming through, i get to re-take my midterm to help boost up my grade, and I'm sharing more with the staff members- who have really become my friends. So here are some other prayer requests:

Dasha approached me about a missions trip in March 2010 in Nicaragua to build a coffee house there. It's going to be with kids who are deaf, if I'm not mistaken. Couple months ago, I would've told you that a missions trip is something I would NEVER, in a million years even consider. Nooow, well, now I'm not quite sure what to do. I most definitely do not have the money for it. Plus, the dates don't really work either. Something tells me to pray on it rather than to say no straight up.

My prayers for a guy/ boyfriend have changed slightly since this blog has started. Recently, I've been praying for God to show the guy that God has in mind for me- to show him what a great Christian woman I am and can be. "I'm willing for You to do whatever You want in the area of my life! I am willing, almighty God, to be single and, Lord, if you desire me to someday get married, then the next guy I date and give my heart to will be the one You show me is my husband" from When God Writes Your Love Story (I hate this title btw) by Eric Ludy

Lastly, I've seriously been sick for six days and have not been getting any better. Please pray that I get better soon.

"Daily you must trust Me, surrendering everything, including the blood in your veins and the breath in your lungs, for me to do with as I see fit. If you want to join up with Me, you must let Me lead" Luke 9:23 paraphrased.

You're all prayer-y

2009-11-05T14:40:00.001-05:00

My friend Jenn finds it funny that my blog looks like something out of Little House on the Prairie. That combined with the fact that I believe no one really reads my blog anyways, I can let my thoughts and prayers flow onto this page. So one day I said, "my blog is more prayer-y than I am with most people..." Jenn being Jenn... thought I said PRAIRIE instead of prayer-y. So she made a photo- please see below.

Trust

2009-11-03T04:58:00.003-05:00

I have trust issues...

Lord, I ask that you bring me closer to You. As I test my faith and discipline, I ask that You give me the courage to step off the cliff and jump with You, to You, into You.

Steph asked me- "Do you trust God"? My reflex answer was "Of course". That's my problem. It's a reflex. I have to know everything there is to know about a relationship before I jump into it, whether it be a Church, a guy, God... my job. I have to know EVERYTHING. I just don't trust others. But its really an awful relationship isn't it? We should grow together. I'm so afraid something will go wrong or that the guy I'm seeing will be weird and therefore, not worth the investment of time and emotions etc. I need to know that God will always be worth the time and emotion and that He will never leave me. I need to feel it. Breathe it. Live it. I haven't been doing that. It's going to make a big difference I think. To do this, there will be a lot of uncomfortable steps coming up in the near future. I'm going to need prayers for me please. Allow me to take these uncomfortable steps without fear. Allow me to take these next uncomfortable steps so that I can be closer to God.

So the next time someone asks me if I have a prayer request- my uncomfortable step will be to say yes.

Guidance...

2009-11-02T16:48:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been needing worship a lot more than the norm... I've been trying to bond with my fellow NCCers as much as possible. I'm at this point where things are falling apart left and right. I'm not doing well in my class at AU because I don't have enough time to meet face to face with my group members- though I do the same amount of work via gmail and googledocs. Work is testing my patience day in and day out. I feel as though I'm suffocating under the management here. I promised Aaron I would stick it out a bit to see if things change, but there are days when I honestly just do not care. I feel as if I don't find another job soon, my patience will run out one day and I will say unpleasant things... which I try to avoid whenever possible.

I love everything I'm doing at NCC and Ebz, but all the work and amount of projects I have going for me right now are just completely overwhelming me. Eventually, something will have to go... but what? Do I give up the projects that make me happy and feel fulfilled? Do I give up the work that I'm being paid to do, but take no joy in whatsoever? Do I give up trying to please everyone in AU? Or... should I just suck it up?

All in all, I'm just running out of gas. My emotions are closer to the surface lately... which is a tad annoying. I'm asking for guidance...

More random thoughts...

2009-10-24T20:46:00.002-04:00

On Monday, we're having a huge meeting with Aaron, the assistant room exec, in regards to Cheryl and her incompetence in running a front office at the Grand Hyatt. Caaaaaaan't wait. I've realized that though she's done nothing wrong in the last two weeks (by her perspective), she has been so uptight and nervous that she's going to make a wrong step, that in the end, she's instilled a level of competitiveness and a level of fear in the team. The team's afraid to make a wrong move and by working everyday in fear, they make MORE wrong moves... its just a vicious cycle. It's disheartening to work with a team who COULD be motivated and I could tell them AWESOME JOB until I'm blue in the face, but if she turns around and yells at them for something they did, it completely negates my GOOD JOB! We need some serious change.

My motivation level has gone to complete zero lately. I'm so overwhelmed with things to do and so completely sick all the time from headaches, that I've lost all interest in doing any sort of real work. Which is really bad... I'm determined to finish the F1 group input, leadership application, a redo my appeal letter, finish my resume up, and finish my internship book report. I already want to go to bed!

I've continued to pray for NCC- though I keep messing up the Fast for Favor Friday's... i always forget its friday! I've got some student loan issues that are annoying me that I continue to pray for and God's ultimate plan for me. Other things I'm praying for: Jeremy's headaches, Sarah's baby fears, Elizabeth's understanding of what she wants and where she wants to go, Amy's travel to Chicago, Steph and her continual stress, Amy F's mom and Susan's happiness.

"For I know the plans I have 4 you” says the Lord “They are plans for good & not for disaster, to give you a future & a hope"-Jeremiah 29:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. - Proverbs 3:5-6

Can not wait...

2009-10-18T19:17:00.002-04:00

This blog is just random and doesn't make sense. But they're thoughts that just need a place to sit...

Lately, I've just been tested and tested again by God. He's got plans for me and I, the ever so impatient one CAN NOT WAIT ANY LONGER!

I was planning on graduating with my master's degree in the spring and my advisor overlooked five credits I'm going to need to graduate. If I want to graduate in the spring, I'll have to take 13 credits, take an internship, execute and present my thesis, take my comprehensive exam AND work full time still at (hopefully not the Grand). um... let's talk about my DEATH shall we? So instead, I decided to take 9 credits in the spring, execute and present my thesis and work full time. In the fall I'll take the final 3 credits and my comprehensive exam. End point: I'll be in DC for at least another 14 months. Which at this point I'm okay with. I had plans to leave, but I've come to accept the fact that I'm here longer. NCC is a HUGE part of making me okay with this. God has something planned for me here... I can feel it with every fiber of my being. The question is WHAT?!

There are a lot of minute things going through my mind. I've completely lost all interest with working at the Grand. I'm miserable every time I'm there and today, I was just so fed up with my team, that I was crabby and snappy all day- NOT the way I want to be. The holiday season is approaching and I always get a little sad around this time of year and then I get mad at myself for allowing myself to be sad that I'm single (it's a vicious cycle). But ironically, its my FAVORITE season of the year.

So many things are up in the air right now and so many things I've been praying for. I know God has been planning and preparing a man for me. I'm praying for that man. NCC has been uprooted and Union is no longer one of our locations. I'm praying for bigger and better things. I'm praying that God utilizes me in the new plans God has for NCC. I'm praying for God to place me where I'm needed the most for life after the Grand. Most of all, I'm praying that I become less and less selfish each and everyday. I've been really caught up in my emotions and such lately... I'm learning how to let it all go.I'm learning how to sing without regrets, speak without regards for others opinions of me, and just be. He's got plans for me. Can't wait to see what they are.

Insecurities

2009-10-06T21:25:00.003-04:00

In Pastor Mark's blog... he wrote this today, " You'll become a people pleaser. You'll feel threatened because of your insecurities. And the fear of man will be your downfall. David was Saul's greatest asset, but Saul was threatened because of his insecurities."

THATS ME!!!!

I must change this. Pronto.

I need suggestions. Where do I start? What do I do?

Change is Coming

2009-10-05T17:00:00.003-04:00

So I'm an intern at National Community Church. It's probably one of the best things I've done since moving here to DC. The internship is suppose to last one semester, but as of today officially... I'll be at NCC until MAY! My thesis portfolio was approved by my advisor and now I just have to flesh it out! I got to talking with some of the arts advocates at NCC and really got some good ideas flowing for my thesis (its a portfolio really). One amazing idea was from Jeremy Sexton. He suggested a night where the artists of the DC metro area could showcase their art.

That amazing idea stemmed into my final thesis portfolio as follows: I will be starting an "Artist Forum" once a month in the fall for all artists to get together and just network. From there, I will be taking applications for any artists interested in participating in the block party. In the spring, I will put on a block party outside of Ebenezer's Coffee House! This block party will be FREE to the community and feature the artists I've selected (with help from others). We'll have tables scattered out on the block for the visual artists to get their name out there or sell their wares (whatever they have). In the basement of Ebenezer's, we'll have sets for singers to perform in sets. The televisions will be set up to play any short films I receive and will be looped so people can watch them as they please throughout the day. We'll have a section for written word etc. I hope to have food/ caricatures/ tie-dyes/ moon bounces and just a day of fun! *whew*

So I got to thinking how much I looooove being at Ebz and NCC these days and how much I've grown in the last four weeks working and hanging out here versus the 16 months that I've been at the Hyatt. Everyone at NCC has challenged me in all different directions! I've really enjoyed being pushed so much- emotionally and mentally it's been a lot. So the million dollar question is... why am I still at the Hyatt? I didn't major in hospitality... it's a job I need to meet my financial needs. I hate being there and the only people I can stand there are Whit, Letarsha, Josh and Susan.... not enough to make me stay.

So today, I've decided that I'm throwing my resume out there. Time to find a new job. With the recession and everything... I hope my resume is good enough to find me a decent one. It just makes sense. The block party is going to take up sooo much of my time but I don't mind because I'm doing what I love. Whereas the Hyatt is taking up the most amount of my time and energy, but yet, I hate being there! I need a change in my life. I'm gonna need your prayers everyone- I can't cry over the Hyatt anymore. Please let me find a job where I can grow as an individual/employee and where I am respected as a person. Please allow for God to open doors for me so that I can do what He meant for me to be doing.

Where do i go from here?

2009-10-02T20:44:00.003-04:00

So I'm in this special program at a hotel where we're "managers in training" so to speak. Only 8 are accepted at any given time and we're the ONLY hotel in the US to have this program. Pretty awesome huh? Except I genuinely hate hate hate hate HATE my job. I don't really mind the physical job in itself much- checking someone in, checking someone out etc. I really can't stand the management with how they treat everyone in our department. They just talk to us like we're really dumb and the environment they've created for us to work in completely just sucks. The program is a fast track promotion system- usually within 6-9 months you're promoted. Halfway through my program, they changed the rules. Management took away our daily checklists (reports/paperwork etc). They told us that we would be taught the checklist after we're promoted etc. Management said... just give out quality customer service. Okay. done and done. Today I find out from Whitney (who's next in line to get promoted) that she was turned down for an open position because she didn't know the checklist. This just completely makes me wonder... why am I still at this job!? Why do I stay at a workplace where I physically cry EVERY SINGLE week? I find excuses to not be at work and I am overall just an unhappy person. What am I doing with my life? On the other hand, leaving just feels like I'm quitting and I am not a quitter. But in all honesty, my major isn't in hospitality and I really don't want to be in an environment where I'm miserable. Jeremy Steffens wrote a blog post today about re-evaluating your life and really doing what makes you happy and doing what God had planned for us instead of what we think God has planned for us. While I totally agree... my mom thinks I'm just being a pansy. Lord, where do I go from here?

Two weeks ago, I was talking to Steph about how I'm so afraid of dying alone. How I've been praying for years for God to bring me a boyfriend I could grow with. How I hate going through the holidays alone and how I feel like a loser for not being attractive enough to get a boyfriend. Well, yesterday I read Jeremy Sexton's (there are so many Jeremy's in my life, it is very necessary to use their last names) and Chris Jarrell's conversation on twitter and eventually onto Chris' blog about marriage versus singleness. It was so amazing and thrilling to read that it completely captivated me in various ways. One: that they both could be so honest in what they were saying on a public forum like twitter and Chris' blog without a second thought or glance, gave me the courage to write openly and honestly on my personal blog tonight. Two: Chris said last night that "marriage does NOT complete anyone. Marriage does compliment...but people need to be complete before they ever enter into marriage." This struck me HARD. I've got such a long way to go before I'm complete with myself. I have so many insecurities that I need to work on still (other people's opinion affecting me is a MAJOR one- can you imagine me bringing that into a relationship?) that I know why God hasn't given me a partner yet. On the other hand, I really am lonely all the time now. Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of friends and I have plenty of family who love me and would never let me "die alone". But there's something about the presence of a man and the smell of man that I just really miss. Lord, where do I go from here?

After I made my blog public last night, I literally sat in bed crying because I thought everyone at NCC would no longer be my friends after they've discovered the "real" me. Well... that didn't happen. In fact, they've actually been more supportive! I've been so blessed to have friends like Alana and Jenn who talk me down from my hysteria on a daily basis and continue to love me even though I do and say the craziest things. But God knows me, and knew that it wouldn't be enough for me to have Alana's support from New York. So God planted me at NCC, where I am surrounded by God fearing men and women almost every day. Now I observe conversations that revolve around God and the Bible daily thru various outlets. Where I was always a Christian and living a Christian life, God knew it wasn't enough. So God planted me in the middle of a thriving Christian community of individuals my age so they could show me the way. What an amazing time for me! What a change in my life God has given me! Two weeks ago I wouldn't even be TALKING about God the way I have been lately. Two weeks ago, I wouldn't be sitting here WRITING about God. Now don't get me wrong... the simple thought of someone judging me is enough to bring me to tears still- but somehow the urge isn't has bad. I'm still not the kinda of gal who screams "LOOK AT ME!!!! I'M A JESUS LOVER!!!!!" But I'm not as afraid of saying it now either. I know there's a long growing period for me here- Lord, I'm asking for you to show me the way.

whoooosa

2009-10-01T22:19:00.003-04:00

Okay. So I made this pact with Chris Jarrell. We will no longer neglect our blogs because of our fears. Chris claims he neglects his blog because he claims his grammar isn't good enough. I neglect mine and refuse to make mine public because I'm too scared of what others think of me. SURPRISED!? I'm not.

So Lord. this is my attempt to be *selfish*- as Joan would say, and to not give a damn about what others say about me or think about me....

Easier said than done. *whoooooooosa!*

Time to make the blog public.

Haphazard attempt

2009-09-30T19:54:00.002-04:00

Lord,

I ask that you help me speak from my heart tonight. I have so many fears, so many nerves that hold me back from performing my best on a day to day basis. Even as I write this and know that no one will actually ever read it... it makes me nervous! Haha. I have so many doubts, so many fears...

Lord I ask that you allow me to be MYSELF and stop thinking about what others will think of me. Allow me to worship you without thinking about what others are saying about me what others feel about me and their opinions of me. Help me look to you and worry about what YOU think of me and what YOUR opinion of me is instead. Help me build my confidence in performing live- using the gifts you've blessed me with.

Lord I ask that you help me relax around the guys I like. I ask that you allow my true self to come out so that they will get to know me for me. I ask that you help me not get so upset when a guy doesn't like me for who I am, and instead strengthen me for the future instead. I ask that you open up my perspective so that I may see what you intend for me to see and not what I want to see.

Thank you for blessing me with Steph, Mary, Pastor Dave, and everyone at NCC. They've just pushed me to new expectations and I enjoy being there EVERY DAY. Jeremy is a whole other blessing in my life. His love for his art and just his patience in teaching never ceases to surprise me. I pray that I get to know him better Lord as time goes by for he is someone who completely fascinates me. Lord I can't thank you enough for blessing me with this voice and everyone at NCC. I pray that I don't get scared away. I pray that I don't allow my inner fears to limit myself with these growing relationships. I pray that this new family of mine allows me in and continues to bless me with each passing day. I pray that i will find the time to hang out with them and that our relationships will grow.

Amen.

Letting God take control

2009-09-17T21:50:00.003-04:00

I've realized God created me to be me. He didn't create me to be someone who would be dumber in order for someone to fall in love with her. The right person God has created for me would love me for me. I shouldn't change myself to fit the bill of the guy I like. In fact, if I am, then he's not the guy God intended for me to be with. My panic and fear of being alone for the rest of my life will be taken care of by the hands of God. I need to continue to act like the Christian woman I know how to be. The right man will fall in love with that Christian woman. God has plans for me. Fall into Him. Soak Him up and just let Him do his work. Stop getting in the way.

It's so hard not to be the control freak I'm so use to being. "What can I say? What can I do? Then offer heart oh God, completely to you."

A Time for Change

2009-01-20T12:19:00.002-05:00

Obama was just sworn in today as the 44th President of the United States. Just living in DC and being here in the District, you can feel a change in the air, a buzz of excitement and the craze of all the preparations. Regardless of how long you spent getting ready, how many hours you've logged in at work and how much sleep you've gone without- the time has come for us in the hospitality industry to execute what we've been prepping to do. The Presidential Inauguration of Barack H. Obama. Galas, Balls, and parties galore! It's really a privilege to be living in the District right now and I can't help but to feel blessed.

The aftermath

2009-01-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

Last night was New Year's Eve. I fell asleep at 10pm because i was just too exhausted to even wait for midnight- just me and the pups :o). I was going to to wait up to text someone at midnight, but then decided against it since we're not really going out anyways. Strangely i still felt like I needed to hear from him. It's a sad day when i'm waiting for a text message from a boy i'm not even dating. Lol

The hotel last night was hysterically funny. This morning someone called down to the bellstand to ask if we had found their underwear. I'm STILL laughing at that person! People were insane last night and you can still feel the recovery in the air from last night. We hid all the flower pots in the hotel so people wouldn't throw up in them and everything that you could pick up to throw... that was hidden too. Apparently, we didn't do a good enough job though because this morning, I walk up to my desk to find my glass sign that's SUPER GLUED to the counter missing. Nice souvenir! It's going to be a fun day at work!